55 -- BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

With the big --5--0-- looming large six months from now, I suppose I barely qualify to respond. Nonetheless, there's no denying that -- surely -- those 50+ know more about themselves than those who are younger but I don't think that is why it becomes harder to meet someone compatible as we age. As we get older, we are more inclined to trust our instincts; more inclined to insist on our preferences; more SURE that we do, in fact, like what we say we like. We're less inclined to compromise; more insistent that a potential mate meet us where we are; on OUR turf. Of course, "they're" feeling the same way and the impasse evolves from there.
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In my own case, I was really done. Done chasing; pursuing; longing; aching; whatever. I got to a place (finally and reluctantly and with MUCH pain and difficulty) where I committed to living the rest of my life alone with no real expectation of new love. A part of me must have accepted a friend's conclusion wrought on my life: that in the course of four marriages and four divorces and too many serious -- but ultimately soured -- relationships, I had been the source of so much pain that perhaps the only option left for me (that would honor God in his view) would be to live the rest of my life alone. So I was prepared -- and beginning -- to build a new life perfectly suited to me alone with no disparaging "input" from any would-be lovers. I thought I would build a life which suited me (and me alone) and if someone wanted to "give it a go" -- they could move themselves and their stuff into MY life. And then IF (well -- so far -- it has been WHEN) things go awry (as they are seemingly wont to do), they could move themselves and their stuff OUT of MY life. This would -- by the way -- be an absolute revolutionary FIRST for me . . . if (or when) . . . it ever happens. That was a year ago. Three months ago, I got married -- again -- after a 9-month courtship to a 42-year-old whom I've described in one word to my friends as "kind." I would've been fine "just" living together but she struggled mightily with this "sex outside of marriage" thing and -- problem solver that I try so hard NOT to be -- marriage seemed like the only solution to "our" problem. We also care for her 15-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son from her previous relationships (my kids are both grown and out on their own). Essentially, I've poured all my energy and resources into her life and her dreams and "our" kids and I'm beginning to resent that my projects and my plans are all on the back burner -- with no real reason to believe I'll have the time or the money to progress with any of them in the "knowable" future. There's something known as "the sailor's curse." The sailor loves sailing more than anything else -- but after a few days alone at sea -- he can't wait to set foot on dry land again. Ultimately, he arrives at his destination -- happy to be a landlubber for day one and then day two. But, by day three, he's itching to feel the wind in his face and the tension of the rope in his hands again. I fear I have the same curse when it comes to relationships. If I'm honest, I'm miserable alone -- functional; able to work -- but not at all content with my circumstance. And if I'm honest, I'm most often miserable in relationship -- married or otherwise -- as well. I only know one thing for sure. If I'm ever alone again, I won't compromise next time. My dreams and my desires will remain on the front burner and too bad and so sad if that doesn't work for someone else. Of course, that's what I said the last time too.Living without pressure -- without putting it on myself or others -- without allowing others to put it on me. Living without strings, or selling, or charming, or kidding into compliance, or manipulating through niceness or threatened anger. Standing in the face of silence, and threats, and expectations, and misunderstandings -- standing and gently saying, "No thank you, I'll be myself."